Common Concerns for Men

Relationships

Relationships are the most common concern for men. Often the problems involve romantic relationships and trying to figure out just what their role is in the relationship, a task that is increasingly difficult as gender role expectations now vary more widely and norms are not as clear. As a result of their socialization, men tend not to be as equipped to deal with such relationship issues, often feeling as though they “don’t have the words” to describe how they are feeling and to discuss such matters with their partners. Issues about sexuality may also emerge, particularly during college, whether it involves questions of sexual orientation or sexual expectations and practices.

Another common assumption in the dominant culture is that men should be responsible for initiating sexual behavior and as such they must be “experts” in all things sexual. This, of course, is not the case and can be the cause of a lot of anxiety. Another relationship issue often encountered in college is the continuing process of individuation from one’s parents. Most students begin their college careers as teenagers, often significantly dependent on their families, both financially and emotionally.

By graduation, particularly for men, there is an expectation that they are ready to assume a productive and financially independent role in society. Such a transformation requires men to significantly redefine their relationships within their families, a process that can be very painful for everyone involved.

Career Concerns

Men’s careers, related to the male socialized value for achievement, factor strongly into their identities as men. The choice of major for a male college student might be experienced as not only involving his particular strengths and interests, but may include his potential level of success and prestige in the work world, his social status, and his attractiveness to potential mates.

Such career concerns are often accompanied by relational difficulties for men, such as romantic partners or parents pressuring them to consider certain careers or criticizing their career choice. These issues can be further complicated for men from families with particular vocational backgrounds, e.g. farming, or those who own family businesses. Men in these circumstances may have increased pressure to pursue specific careers, with their roles in their families hanging in the balance.

Mood Difficulties

Recent research suggests that there is not a big difference between men and women regarding their level of distress. In fact, men are at an even higher risk for some issues, including significantly higher rates of suicide beginning around college age and continuing through adulthood. What does seem to be different is how men express and/or experience distress. Depression is a very common presenting issue for men. However, unlike most women who experience crying spells and feelings of worthlessness and helplessness, men tend to experience social withdrawal, isolation and physical symptoms, such as headaches or feeling “run down.”

Another common experience for men is the presence of anger, which may be masking other emotions related to depression. Many men come to counseling or are forced into counseling due to concerns about anger and “anger management.” As mentioned above, men are socialized to not show emotion EXCEPT when it comes to anger. When anger is the only “acceptable” emotion, it makes sense that in times of stress this is how men express themselves. Often, “managing” their anger does not involve restricting their expression of anger but developing their ability to express their many other emotions that have been perceived as “unacceptable” and “weak” for so long.

Substance Misuse & Abuse

Related to their problems with mood difficulties, men have typically experienced a higher rate of substance use and abuse. Again, given men’s restricted range of coping strategies for dealing with distress, the result of gender socialization, many men use alcohol and other drugs to “drown out” or “numb” the emotional pain they experience. This behavior, particularly regarding drinking, is reinforced by our society, as heavy drinking and being able to “hold your liquor” is considered “manly.”

Violence

While it may not be surprising that men commit the vast majority of violent crimes in our society, given our value of toughness and aggressiveness in men, the fact that men are also the most common victims of violence might be. Our male-dominated culture also contributes strongly to the issues of relationship violence, including physical and sexual assault, which may result in men presenting for counseling, either on their own or as part of their involvement in the legal system.

Sexual Dysfunction

Male sexual dysfunction is not uncommon and often involves many of the issues already discussed, such as relationship and emotional concerns. There is some evidence that masculinity-related beliefs, such as the assumed “sex expert” role, mentioned above, and other myths, can cause significant levels of performance anxiety, which then contribute to male sexual dysfunction. The most common male sexual dysfunctions are premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, inhibited orgasm, and lack of sexual desire.